I have been an addict since the age of seven, when I craved food and love.
I was terrified of my father and developed major speech issues, which haunted me throughout my school days and to certain extent today. When drugs found me, they gave me freedom and a chance to express myself. I always loved them a little more than everyone else, I thought this was because I was special and more in touch with music and life. I hated confrontation, I thought confronting things was bad and adapting was a better option. This was all well and good until someone develops, and decisions have to be made – decisions on life, friends and how to spend your time.
Drugs became a way of life, but because I was doing what I called soft drugs, it felt OK, it felt right. The fact I was always tired and my speech wasn’t getting any better bothered me, but I would use and party to deal with it.
I eventually found my primary drug, what I would call a drug addict’s drug, Crack Cocaine. But because I had a job and a mostly loving family I didn’t put myself in that bracket until was too late.
Three years later, I left for Australia a broken man in search of recovery. With no professional help, I carried on using alcohol and every other drug I could get my hands on, but because I was not using my primary I thought I was alright.
I relapsed seven years later and within a year I had lost three stone, almost lost my business, my wife and my friends. I needed help. I felt I needed to get as far away as possible, and removed from society, in order to understand why I’ve always needed more of everything. So I went to a rehab clinic in South Africa. I realised that I was compelled to self-gratify because I couldn’t deal with life on life’s terms. My problem was that I couldn’t just sit comfortably within myself. Yes, my fears of confronting things came from my dad – it all came from my dad – but you can’t change the past. It just helped to understand why I am like I am.
I am living one day at a time now and it suits me well. Its the best possible way to live for an addict, or for anyone for that matter, to just be the best you can for one day at a time, At the time of writing I have spent 29 days in treatment and I am going to meetings all the time. I’m 43 days clean of drugs and alcohol today. I still obsess, but now I understand why. Its not me, it’s this disease I have, that we all share. I’ve always had a positive streak in me and I believe beating this disease will also set me free to be the best I can be, one day at a time.